My entire life I had dry reptilian legs that a helpful girl in my 7th grade gym class explained to me were called “ashy.” I believe her exact words were “Girl your legs is ashy. You need some lotion.” What that helpful stranger didn’t understand about the “abc’s of me” was that it was hard enough to brush my teeth every day, let alone moisturize. So while her advice was sound, I didn’t actually take her up on it until last week. After all, it’s hard to dedicate two weeks to “Getting Bikini-ready-ish” without at least committing to a slapping a little lotion on your cracked skin.

It seems like everywhere you turn, people are touting coconut oil as the Messiah. It does everything from hydrate your skin to file your taxes.  The problem I have with slathering my skin with actual coconut oil is, while I LOVE a greasy dewy face, I hate having a greasy body. Not to mention, If I can’t apply it while I’m in the shower, then it probably wont happen. And If I applied real oil in the shower I would no doubt slip on my ass or cause severe bodily harm to those who enter the shower after me. And while I have nothing against the elderly or prostitutes, the smell of coconut oil on skin reminds me of both. So the perfect compromise was Capriclear Coconut Oil Spray. It has all the moisturizing benefits of coconut oil and is fragrance free and non-oily. So far, I’m softer, I haven’t slipped, and I don’t smell like a nursing home or a whore house. That much.

I ultimately opted for this combo: Kerstin Florian’s Turkish Body Scrub ($48) and Capriclear’s Coconut Oil Spray. ($16) I have to confess, originally I was drawn to the Kerstian Forian line because of their simple elegant packaging that I thought nicely complemented my newly designed French Normandy bathroom. Thank you interior designer and architecture wonder, Alexandra Leow, it’s GORGEOUS. But the inside of the bottles did not disappoint either. The Turkish scrub smells faintly medicinal at first sniff, but that didn’t scare me. Instead it felt like the scrub was saying, “I got this handled. I will pull out the big guns for your totally neglected skin.” Some you smell and it’s clearly say, “don’t worry you will get laid tonight.” Not this one. It doesn’t mean you won’t, or you can’t , it just means that this turkish scrub has more important things on it’s agenda. Like curing you of your disgusting dryness. Which it definitely did.

Written by Meredith Morton

Meredith is a mom of three perfectly behaved and always impeccably dressed boys who never cuss or fight. She prefers exercise to the side effects of lithium. You can follow her on Instagram @meredithmorton but don’t expect too much.